Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A New Year and some changes

With this new Year, comes some new changes for our family. We are expecting twins!!!

Just kidding.   Sorry, bad joke. 

First things first, Ryan graduated!!! WOOOO!!! He graduated in Marketing at Utah Valley University with being the top of his class, and the President of the marketing club. He worked so so so hard and we are THRILLED for him. He accepted a full-time job at Acumen Learning where he will be taking a new product to market. Exciting stuff!! 
Since Ryan is now working full-time... that means that I get to go part-time!! Wooo!! Working full-time has been recently draining and I have felt this empty hole inside of me for not spending as much time with Ellie as I should be. I can't wait to be able to stay home with Ellie more. Which brings us to Ellie girl:  Ellie has been going to the same daycare now since she was 9 months old. It is definitely time for a change. We found a fabulous preschool that will be more structured for her and has a great learning environment.  She starts at the new school on Monday and is excited to go to a "Big Girl school". :)

With these changes come excitement and happiness, yet also brings me a lot of anxiety and makes me absolutely terrified to be a part-time stay at home mommy. I can't remember the last time I was a stay-at-home mom, so I don't even know what the heck I am doing or what to expect. I don't cook? I don't craft amazing things?  I feel completely inadequate to be a stay at home mom. You ladies make it look easy and fun! So tell me your secrets...... Because I am super close to begging Ryan to be the stay-at-home dad while I work for the rest of my life. (he is a natural at this parenting thing)

I have had these thoughts on my mind for the past few months and they are eating me alive. I guess the thought of the unknown is getting to me, and making me over-think things.  I have had so many mixed emotions about being a stay at home mom--- Like for example... I like to stay busy.  Probably because if I don't, then I will die of over-analyzing.  Will I be able to stay busy as a stay-at-home mom? Will I feel like I am making a difference? Will I feel like I am being productive and innovative with my life? Or will I get stuck in this routine of cooking and cleaning my life away? Will I still be able to find time to read? or rock-climb? Will I still be able to keep a balanced life? Will I be lonely because I am so used to working with and seeing Ryan every day? Will I be able to make... ahem, "Mommy friends" ? The thought of breaking out of my shell to make "mommy friends" makes me cringe.  I feel like I am in 7th grade all over again trying to meet new friends.

But then the other part of me says that maybe I will absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom. And I will feel more worth than ever before. And I will feel wanted and needed, and feel satisfied by finally being able to clean my house for more than 10 minutes a day. Maybe I will feel more of a love for being a mom because I will be around Ellie more to be able to feel that reward of going through ups and downs with her.  Maybe being a stay-at-home mom will open more doors for me. Maybe since I am a terrible cook right now, I will be forced to just try and cook, and maybe even enjoy doing it and make something that tastes like actual food. Maybe. 

I tend to over analyze everything, as you can tell! But I just get anxiety trying to be a good wife and mom in this life.  I know that my over-thinking definitely gets in the way of that sometimes. I just need to stop THINKING and start TRYING or DOING. Easier said than done, right? But with this New Year, I hope to try and be more optimistic, and stop comparing myself to other moms.  Try and be a little more relaxed with my thinking. Be a little more spontaneous, and not try and plan every little thing out ahead of time. Because let's face it. No matter how hard we try and plan things out or make things perfect, life is always going to throw curve balls. I just need to be ready for whatever life brings to me and learn to go through it happily with my amazing family by my side to help me out.  

Now that you all think I am crazy... do you have any suggestions for me? How do you mommy's out there handle being a stay-at-home mom? -What are the hardest parts about being at home with kids?  How do you find time to still be "You" ?  
I would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions. Just please, no one suggest that I need to see a shrink or therapist.. That is already in the works. ;)

I am grateful for this time in my life. It is good for me to learn to overcome my fears and to try and take things one step at a time instead of trying to think so far ahead in my life.  
I wish so badly that my own sweet angel mom was still here with me in this life, giving me advice.  These past few months I have missed her more than I ever have, that it hurts.  I often have a pity party thinking that if only I had my mom here, or if I had sisters, then everything would be better. I would have motherly advice easily accessed by a phone call, I would know how to cook, I would have a babysitter if I needed to have some "me time", I would have a shopping buddy, and someone to vent to. But I need to let the people who are here on this earth, help me. And by that I mean, taking a jump out of my comfort zone to seek help, comfort, and friendship from my amazing sister-in-laws and mother-in-law, and girlfriends. I am truly lucky to have them in my life, and need to seek them more for advice.   I miss my mom more than words can express, but I know that she is here in my heart helping me feel her love as I am going through this trial. I am grateful for her example to me as a mother, even though my last day with her was when I was only 14 years old. I hold on to the small memories that she left for me, like her being out-going, caring, loving, driven, happy and passionate about her kids and her life. I hope to live my life even a fraction of how she lived hers. 

I am grateful for my amazing husband who never loses his temper with me. I am sure there have been many times where he has wanted to shake me and tell me to stop being negative, but he is patient with me and helps me think through my thoughts until I see the positive of things.  He is always there to support me and love me, even if I am hard to deal with at times. He will never know how much I look up to him for his attitude towards life. He is so optimistic, happy, and passionate, and if he wants something then he is determined to get it. He makes an effort to make his life the way that HE wants it, and doesn't just go with the flow. He is not afraid to take chances or risks. He isn't afraid of being a beginner at something.  Instead, he works so hard at it until he is good at it. And he doesn't stop there. He works hard until he is GREAT at it.  He doesn't give up on things, and I truly look up to him for his attitude towards life.
I am grateful for my sweet Ellie and for everything that she teaches me in my life. I hope to be the kind of mother to her that my mother was to me so that as she grows up,  the fact that I wasn't a great cook, or the best at doing her hair, that she always knows that I love her immensely and would do anything for her. 
I truly am greatly blessed in my life, and I need to not take things for granted. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be more grateful. Not just in my heart, but vocally to the people whom I love. 

Thanks for letting me vent, ya'll.

Here are some quotes that I am loving lately, that I need to keep in mind as I take this next step in my life.  (all images via my Pinterest)

This last one is my personal favorite ;)

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  1. I logged on to see this and got excited. Cause I felt like this my first year as a stay at home mom. I was used to staying super busy, which I loved. I love working and love getting out.
    I also compared myself to every mom out there. My first year with a newborn was very hard. But then I learned to just let loose and to enjoy every moment. To not think. We would learn together, play together, clean together, and Chris and I learned to cook together. I stopped caring what other moms thought of me and my kids. I didn't care. I was doing all I could to be a good mom.
    We have days where we don't leave the house or get dressed. But those days we play non stop and color for hours. Which they love. Haha.
    I also don't hang out with mom's who stress out over doing the next best thing or that have to have perfect houses all the time. I know it sounds rude. But I seriously have stressed out so much before with friends like that. I always thought I had to cook, clean and craft to be a good mom. But I don't. So I just put myself around people who didn't care of I had all those things, and liked me for me. My stressful, sometimes messy, never put together, and utterly happy self. :)
    Just take it a day at a time. You will be such a great stay at home mom. And just remember we have all, and are all, there.

    1. Thank you so much girl! This means more than you know. It is comforting to hear from other mothers and to know that mommy life is still perfect even if everything isnt clean or cooked right ;) love you! and Thanks again for your comforting words.

  2. Michelle, I am super excited for you. You'll figure everything out how you want your family time to go. (HUGE SECRET: no two stay-at-home moms do things the same, and life moves on wonderfully.) You won't stop being you; you'll just bring more of the awesome you home.

    Just create you OWN plan, do what makes you happy, and love that girl. Cooking and cleaning? Meh, you'll do that out of necessity. It doesn't have to run your life (unless you love doing it). You'll never regret stopping what you're doing to listen and talk with your children. That's what I've learned.

  3. Thank you Meridith! You are so sweet. I appreciate your words-- It is a good realization that I don't need to change myself to be a stay-at-home mother, but that I can just be the kind of mom that I choose to be and do what works for me. Thank you for taking a minute to help me! It helped more than you know :) xoxo

  4. Hey-- our house has been a mess since we got married and I had no idea how to cook at the beginning. I think...focus on one goal a day. That's helped me so much. Like "today, I'm going to make dinner and ignore the mess" or "today, we're going to McDonald's, but I'm going to clean up the house." It overwhelmed me so much when we first got married because I just wanted to be super at everything all day every day. Just pick one thing a day. It may not feel like a lot but you'll go to bed feeling like at least you accomplished ONE goal. (Obviously I have no kids, but this stuff I said has helped me a lot, so maybe it will help you, too! PS therapy rocks! Haha)

  5. Crock pots meals. I love cooking but don't always have the time I'd like to spend in the kitchen (school, husband, work, you know). When we got married someone gave us a crock pot and it has been amazing! You just stick stuff in there in the morning, set it to low and do what you need to the rest of the day. I find it's a great way to fake the whole "home-cooked meal" vibe.

    1. Great idea! We have one so I just need to start using it! Thank you so much for your advice -- xoxo!

  6. It is like you took the words out of my mouth! I have been working part time for about 2 years. It is stressful at times wanting to be the successful career woman but be at home with your kids at the same time. But I have learned to find balance. I so badly want to be one of those mothers who have the beautiful clean house and craft like no ones business haha but for me that doesn't work. Nothing is perfect with children and I have learned to not compare myself to others and just enjoy time with my kids (I have a little girl about the same age as Ellie.) You and only you know exactly what your little one needs :) As the others said, you will find what works best for you! I constantly wonder if I am doing a well enough job but then I look at my girls and see that they are happy and I know I am.... As for finding time for yourself you just have to make time and not feel guilty for it. Good luck!!

  7. I love this girl! Because being a Momma is so not easy!! I was anxious to read these comments when I saw this, because I knew I would benefit from the advice!!! Being a stay at home mom has taught me so much already. I am the opposite and never want to go back to work again, haha. As much as I, too, over analyze and over think... Being home is so comforting to me. I feel safe and like I can create a beautiful, peaceful, fun, spiritual environment of love and happiness for my family to enjoy every day. Only because those are the things I enjoy, personally. What makes this world so amazing is how different we all are and how each of us mom's can bring a different twist into the home and in raising awesome kids. You have incredible talents that I admire so much! :) I am way spontaneous and love to stay active, busy and have non stop fun... So I try to get the work done fast so we can go play, like the basic chores that keep a household flowing. Then we leave the house! I have to get out and go do things, I just take my kids with me.... And we go play and have fun, or just run an errand or take a drive or visit family or friends. I also love crock pots for this reason :) When we get home dinner is ready. And I try to shoot for early bed times so I have me time at the end of the day - where I can read, unwind, do a hobby, work out, relax, spend time with my husband, or leave and go have a girls night. That all helps me feel ready for the next day. Sometimes we just stay in our pj's eat cereal and watch movies or play games all day and that's fine. It's fun watching your babies figure out how this world works and to know it's all in your hands can be very nerve wracking which is why for me.... I have to give it ALL to the Lord, and beg for his help every day. Ha Love you tons. You have a beautiful family and Ellie is such a lucky little lady. Xoxo Excited for you & all that's to come.

  8. It will be weird at first, but you'll eventually fall into a comfortable rhythm with Ellie. And you might even discover a few new hobbies. Before I quit my job for good to stay home with my son I was a terrible cook and an even worse homemaker. I'm still a pretty crappy homemaker, but my family is in a groove now and I couldn't be happier. :) (And cooking ended up being something that I enjoyed?)

    Good luck in your new adventure! Congratulations to Ryan. :)